Matters Not~

matters notblack, white

it matters not

all fresh tears

start out hot

#stop the hate

#stop the pain

#stop the fear

#we are better than this

Letting Go~

july 4 1976damn the ego

been said
that hindsight is 20/20
but on this situation
i am bug-eyed
360 degree
full-drone vision

i know why the signs
were so obvious
and i clueless

i’ve paid for the consequence
of choosing to remain deaf
pretending i didn’t hear it
feel it, know it

damn the ego and what it
thinks is good for your soul

how could it possibly know?

how could it know the lesson
bestowed on that independence day?

how could it know the impact that
that decision had made?

oh
how the psyche likes to cling
and bring up the very things
you scream to let go of

 

A month after high school graduation (June 1976), I had a whole life ahead of me.  Hoping to get that nursing degree so I could provide a better life for my young son and myself.  Life was going to be grand!

grad 1976

Graduation 1976

But as we all know, life sometimes has other plans for us, for reasons we may never know.  Choices are made in every moment, and I was not making some of the best, at the time.  Even though my heart was right, my priorities were not.

One such choice was to ride with friends on motorcycles to enjoy a fun-fueled evening at Delhi Park in Dexter, MI.  I made a very conscious choice to override my intuition that told me to spend my day with my son and family.  It was July 4th, 1976, the Bicentennial of our country.

I opted for the motorcycle ride (damn the ego).  While traveling outside of Ann Arbor, the driver and I were broadsided by a car and the rest is merely what I’ve been told, since I only have vague memories of the next 3 weeks.

1 week in intensive care, 5 surgeries and 2 months later I left the hospital.  It was horrid, gruesome, torturous, and horribly frightening.  There was internal bleeding, a closed head injury, 10 broken bones and near amputation.  There were many uncertainties for the future.

Intensive Care

Intensive Care

Damaged

Damaged

How I spent 2 months.

How I spent 2 months.

1st day out of bed and traction.

1st day out of bed and traction.

Finally on my way home to my family!!

Finally on my way home to my family!!

The greatest pain of all, was the pain I caused my family, it was so difficult on them, particularly my mother.  I hold no ill feelings towards the driver of the motorcycle, they call them accidents for a reason.  He had a broken leg and a couple surgeries and spent a month in the hospital, he paid his dues.

I’ve carried this around for 40 years, it’s hard to avoid and with age PTSD has raised its ugly head..I’m tired of it all.

So I write this as a release, a way to publicly say that it has ruled my life for too damn long.  I no longer want to live with this memory.  I have learned the lesson and it has changed me deeply, where only trauma can touch.

I am grateful every day for my leg, my great teacher, that we didn’t part and that we have learned over the years to coexist in this human body, albeit difficult at times, but nothing in this life is perfect.  I am peaceful with that.  It’s our imperfections that make us unique.

I’m letting go!!  This is MY independence day!!!

Life is Good

Life is Good