Letting Go~

july 4 1976damn the ego

been said
that hindsight is 20/20
but on this situation
i am bug-eyed
360 degree
full-drone vision

i know why the signs
were so obvious
and i clueless

i’ve paid for the consequence
of choosing to remain deaf
pretending i didn’t hear it
feel it, know it

damn the ego and what it
thinks is good for your soul

how could it possibly know?

how could it know the lesson
bestowed on that independence day?

how could it know the impact that
that decision had made?

oh
how the psyche likes to cling
and bring up the very things
you scream to let go of

 

A month after high school graduation (June 1976), I had a whole life ahead of me.  Hoping to get that nursing degree so I could provide a better life for my young son and myself.  Life was going to be grand!

grad 1976

Graduation 1976

But as we all know, life sometimes has other plans for us, for reasons we may never know.  Choices are made in every moment, and I was not making some of the best, at the time.  Even though my heart was right, my priorities were not.

One such choice was to ride with friends on motorcycles to enjoy a fun-fueled evening at Delhi Park in Dexter, MI.  I made a very conscious choice to override my intuition that told me to spend my day with my son and family.  It was July 4th, 1976, the Bicentennial of our country.

I opted for the motorcycle ride (damn the ego).  While traveling outside of Ann Arbor, the driver and I were broadsided by a car and the rest is merely what I’ve been told, since I only have vague memories of the next 3 weeks.

1 week in intensive care, 5 surgeries and 2 months later I left the hospital.  It was horrid, gruesome, torturous, and horribly frightening.  There was internal bleeding, a closed head injury, 10 broken bones and near amputation.  There were many uncertainties for the future.

Intensive Care

Intensive Care

Damaged

Damaged

How I spent 2 months.

How I spent 2 months.

1st day out of bed and traction.

1st day out of bed and traction.

Finally on my way home to my family!!

Finally on my way home to my family!!

The greatest pain of all, was the pain I caused my family, it was so difficult on them, particularly my mother.  I hold no ill feelings towards the driver of the motorcycle, they call them accidents for a reason.  He had a broken leg and a couple surgeries and spent a month in the hospital, he paid his dues.

I’ve carried this around for 40 years, it’s hard to avoid and with age PTSD has raised its ugly head..I’m tired of it all.

So I write this as a release, a way to publicly say that it has ruled my life for too damn long.  I no longer want to live with this memory.  I have learned the lesson and it has changed me deeply, where only trauma can touch.

I am grateful every day for my leg, my great teacher, that we didn’t part and that we have learned over the years to coexist in this human body, albeit difficult at times, but nothing in this life is perfect.  I am peaceful with that.  It’s our imperfections that make us unique.

I’m letting go!!  This is MY independence day!!!

Life is Good

Life is Good

Life and Lunacy~

Copy of DSC04224

Anyone that knows me, knows that I am a highly intuitive empath, and one that has suffered traumas in her life.  I was also born under the sign of cancer, the crab.  Therefore I FEEL, and I feel DEEPLY.  To anyone like me (and I know many) we struggle to find balance in this world gone mad.

This week, month, year, has been exceptionally difficult.  On both the world stage and in our personal lives.  There has been a lot of loss lately, I need not have to tell anyone that doesn’t live unplugged.  Even those that live off the grid can feel the electrifying energy zinging through the air…I’m sure of it.

As a crab, I long to retreat into my shell of safety, hide from the madness.  But even inside the shell, the world echos loudly, I can still smell the stench of sadness, taste the salt tears.  I just long to make it all okay.

I know there are many that share my sentiments.

So let me just say, that if you are in my life, it is not by accident.  I am grateful for each and every one of you.  The memories, the lessons, the experiences.  As difficult as life may be, I’m grateful to know that we have each other.

Peace and Love always…in all ways.

Take Your Pick~

IMG_0014Today, I’m sharing 3 different versions of the same poem.  Two of these poems were recorded in studios; one with my beloved Upthegrove Reynolds Project that I performed with in the Ann Arbor/Detroit areas (more on that in another post), the second of which was a CD I recorded with the help of music producer Michial White Jr. (no relation).  What great experiences they both were.

The third is just me, recited the piece without music accompaniment…just me and the instrument I was born with.

 

I hope you enjoy all three versions.  My words run deep and so do my feelings, so be kind, if you don’t mind.

Here is Defiling Heaven

above, the never before heard version with the Upthegrove Reynolds Project, recorded in 2003 in Ann Arbor, MI at the Solid Sound Studio

this is the version produced by Mechiel White Jr. (aka the Groovematist) in Dexter, MI (turn up your sound a little)

just me…enjoy~

Still Remodeling~

Hello all, how are you making it through the winter?  Spring is a comin’…I can smell it in air.  Mother Nature has her subtle ways of reminding us that she is in charge, and sometimes not too subtle.  But spring is a comin’.

daffodils

We are still in the process of making the motor home our own.  Things have settled down now after the hoopla of the holidays, and we are in-between company, so we are back to working on it, and we actually went camping again.  The first time in the RV without any rain!!  Woohoo~

We still have not gotten the window treatments done, nor have we reupholstered the dinette and still haven’t found the fabric for the headboard yet, oh, and don’t forget the shower redo, but what we have gotten done are some of the fun things.  My husband, always wanting to play.

Our wet camp site in the keys, it never quit raining.

Our wet camp site in the keys, it never quit raining (in Dec 2015)

First off, we had a detour in the remodeling due to a leak around the slide-out, and since every camping trip we have taken it out it rained, Randy took it apart and replaced the whole seal.  He’s incredible.  What he doesn’t know, he will spend hours investigating until he conquers it.

So with that done, we were able to move on with some off the other things that we wanted to get done.  Small things like painting plug plates and light switches.  The hood fan over the stove is no longer off-white, it is now black to match the other appliances.  Also painted some of the wood trim an off-white instead of the god-awful pink tones it had.  Randy also built new cabinets for the slide-out, using the old doors and new hardware.

hood vent/before

hood vent/after

hood vent/after

new drop down ceiling (in brown), accent lighting, new trim paint

new drop down ceiling (in brown), accent lighting, new trim paint

Some of the larger things are a new ceiling in the bedroom, haven’t covered it yet, but the wood is up.  We may put a small, ceiling-hugging ceiling fan the bedroom, I like moving air when I sleep, so that’ll be cool (no pun intended).  Also, a new drop-down ceiling in the living room area with some pretty magical (disco anyone?) lights wrapping around the edge.  He’s a crazy boy!  When we were camping this past weekend, it was just too calming to lay in there and listen to some classic rock and look at the lights.  Awesomeness.

new fireplace where shelf used to be

new fireplace where shelf used to be

                                                                    Since we’ve been home, crazy boy has already added a (fake) fireplace in the thing.  Mind you we’ve been home for 2 days.  Good grief man!  He’s setting some pretty good ambiance…he must want me!  That’s pretty sweet after 28 years together.

such ambiance~

such ambiance~

We come by this camping thing naturally.  Camping is the only vacation my family has ever experienced in our youth.  I’ve always loved it, but I don’t do the tent thing, not with this broken body.  We started out with a slide-on truck camper, remodeled that too.  Then we went to a 5th wheel, then a bigger 5th wheel, then a motor home.  We then tried to down size to a smaller pull-behind trailer, then a bigger pull-behind trailer, and now on to our current RV.  When will the madness stop!!

Just for reference, my parents are soon to be 85, and this was their set-up at the campground this past weekend.  Oh daddy, I guess it is true, you marry a man like your father…help me.

018ab4904ec5715e7c93e0a8f2fc0b1916fbd203e7011c9d49eabe5553dd6cce29bb898080ed3d01814fAnd just because I haven’t done this yet, and should have all along, I want to give a huge shout out to North Trail RV in Fort Myers, Peter is a great salesman.  Good people!!

The dark side~

DSC04224

Oh, the dark side of life! I’m not talking about back alleys and seedy bars. I’m talking about the dark days that sometimes turn to weeks, and sometimes feel as if it will never leave, taking up residence in the crevices of my brain that I wanted to remain empty for some grand creative entity to entertain me and maybe the masses.

This cloud of darkness has followed me around since I was a child. I remember the torment of my emotions. Crying and not knowing why, feeling way too many feelings. Those emotions embarrassed me before I learned feelings just are, leave them be…before I knew of empathy.

All this commotion was compounded by a closed head injury I sustained in an accident in ’76. The residual downward spiral was vicious and brutal. The body heals, not so much the mind. Now, episodes come and go, a not-so-welcome nor appreciated boulder in the room, then almost as quickly, a quiet life again resumes. It’s only then, I can say “whew, I survived until the sun did shine”. It always shines.

So I fluctuate from moments of self-love to the depths of self-loathing. Often brought on by illness, over-stimulation, a rush of adrenaline, too much pain, people’s attitudes. I feel there is no excuse to be rude!  If I feel unsafe or threatened, I will retreat into my shell and withdraw from the world, content to stay, which is not exactly healthy for this lady. I’ve learned to take this time to quiet my mind, rest and nourish my body, and of course, write poetry. Heard once that self-pity is a form of self-comfort. So I comfort me and let the tears flow, if need be.

I only say these things because I’m becoming very aware that I am not alone. The world currently holds a lot of sadness, can’t we harness it and use it to empower us? We can rise above it!  We can, I have to believe.

It’s hard for me to put this out there, exposing this about myself (always fearing judgment), but the mask is coming off. To not only help me, but perhaps to help you too. I say if we express something, it can then take its leave; Identify and Release.

So if you’ve been feeling it too, maybe you should express it, safely; write your words down, write some poetry, paint it out, share your feelings with a friend, express it here. Verbalize! Better than hurting someone or something, including yourself.

I’m embracing all sides of me, and there are many (my poor Randy).

No pity please, no sympathy, no remedies, no ‘try these’. Just let me be and I will return momentarily. (Actually I’m fine now, latest episode is over.)

I’m standing, in truth, to say that we all have suffered some sort of life tragedy, none of us are so special.

So please, PLEASE, just be KIND, doesn’t cost a dime~

(a kind word, a smile, a wave is all it might take to save someone’s life…just the same, a hateful word, a verbal attack, aggressive behavior is all it may take…now can you see why I believe in kindness?)

Taking my message to the streets~

Taking my message to the streets~

The Keys~

Off on our first real adventure in the RV down to the Keys to meet up with our dear friends from Michigan, Marcus and Jen, celebrating her 3 year anniversary of LIFE, having survived a brain aneurysm. We are all very grateful. The world would have suffered a huge loss.

image

Sadly, it has done nothing but rain, a warm rain, not complaining because I’m sure we all need the rest.

The drive here was great. The RV handles so well on the road. Nothing like the Independent we used to own. Here’s a pic I took while traveling Alligator Alley.

image

Yesterday we decided to schlep around Key West in the rain, just like the last time Randy and I were here. So did a lot of dodging into shops and walked some side streets. Of course, lunch was at Hog’s Breath.

Hog’s Breath Saloon

A wet Key West

Our wet camp site with a view of the gulf. Our wet camp site with a view of the gulf.

Will check back in with the world in a few days. Hope every one has been healthy and happy.

Crazy mofos 7~

Are you ready?  Have you been eagerly waiting on the edge of your recliner?  Have you digested your turkey, stuffing and pumpkin pie? Well, I’m ready to reveal the motor home thus far!  Got it to a point where we are actually gonna take it on the road for a little R & R, but I have a hunch Randy will be stowing away some tools and “play things” for him to work on while we are away.  Can’t slow that man down…and don’t want to!

image3

Light fixtures have been painted, check. New cabinet hardware, check. New color on the bathroom cabinets doors!!  Yes, brilliant idea.

image6 image7

I like it, gives the bathroom area a whole different look, a little more masculine feel.  I like to try and keep a balance.  Yin and Yang.

~~Click here to see more~~

On being grateful~

begrateful

Thanksgiving is upon us, happy turkey day and all the trimmings that go with that greeting, sincerely.  I’ve been under the weather, so not feeling real festive, and now Randy’s feeling puny too.  So we will dream of pumpkin pie and whipped cream, since the sensory of smell and taste have left the building. We will dream of being with our family and extended family, so we don’t share our germs.

Just a reminder (and note to self) that gratitude should be felt daily, first thing when our feet hit the floor…ok, so maybe after that first sip of coffee, which I’m always grateful for!

And please, please be kind!!  Always, in all ways. Doesn’t cost a thing, yet brings peace to the hearts of those around you. Rudeness seems to be plentiful, already, so soon. Holiday stress is real and starts earlier every year. Let’s all just try to put attitude and differences aside, learn a new way. Put a smile on your face and forge ahead.

See you at the next red light.

(and if this makes no sense, i apologize, common sense has slipped out the door with taste and smell, hopefully to return soon)

Happy Thanksgiving All, I am grateful for YOU~

I’d lie on your lap (audio)~

jackie-kennedy

In remembrance of John F. Kennedy’s wife, Jackie,

after he had been shot on the day in Dallas, 1963.

(not the best audio, but i can’t breathe today, so can’t re-record)

 

photo credit:  DAN FARRELL/NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

Crazy mofos 6~

Fabric, fabric everywhere, I was having dreams about all this fabric!!

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This kind of project can sure try your patience, but we are remembering to have fun with it and not to put pressure on ourselves to get it done.  Randy’s in charge of upholstering the frame, I am redoing cushions.

113 126

My first EVER attempt at this. Took the old cushion apart and cut the new fabric to size. They had zippers in them, but I elected to make a flap in the back to stuff the stuffing back into it. Worked out great! 140

The old UGLY with the new. I’m gonna like this!!144 ~~click here to see what else is getting done~~