Letting Go~

july 4 1976damn the ego

been said
that hindsight is 20/20
but on this situation
i am bug-eyed
360 degree
full-drone vision

i know why the signs
were so obvious
and i clueless

i’ve paid for the consequence
of choosing to remain deaf
pretending i didn’t hear it
feel it, know it

damn the ego and what it
thinks is good for your soul

how could it possibly know?

how could it know the lesson
bestowed on that independence day?

how could it know the impact that
that decision had made?

oh
how the psyche likes to cling
and bring up the very things
you scream to let go of

 

A month after high school graduation (June 1976), I had a whole life ahead of me.  Hoping to get that nursing degree so I could provide a better life for my young son and myself.  Life was going to be grand!

grad 1976

Graduation 1976

But as we all know, life sometimes has other plans for us, for reasons we may never know.  Choices are made in every moment, and I was not making some of the best, at the time.  Even though my heart was right, my priorities were not.

One such choice was to ride with friends on motorcycles to enjoy a fun-fueled evening at Delhi Park in Dexter, MI.  I made a very conscious choice to override my intuition that told me to spend my day with my son and family.  It was July 4th, 1976, the Bicentennial of our country.

I opted for the motorcycle ride (damn the ego).  While traveling outside of Ann Arbor, the driver and I were broadsided by a car and the rest is merely what I’ve been told, since I only have vague memories of the next 3 weeks.

1 week in intensive care, 5 surgeries and 2 months later I left the hospital.  It was horrid, gruesome, torturous, and horribly frightening.  There was internal bleeding, a closed head injury, 10 broken bones and near amputation.  There were many uncertainties for the future.

Intensive Care

Intensive Care

Damaged

Damaged

How I spent 2 months.

How I spent 2 months.

1st day out of bed and traction.

1st day out of bed and traction.

Finally on my way home to my family!!

Finally on my way home to my family!!

The greatest pain of all, was the pain I caused my family, it was so difficult on them, particularly my mother.  I hold no ill feelings towards the driver of the motorcycle, they call them accidents for a reason.  He had a broken leg and a couple surgeries and spent a month in the hospital, he paid his dues.

I’ve carried this around for 40 years, it’s hard to avoid and with age PTSD has raised its ugly head..I’m tired of it all.

So I write this as a release, a way to publicly say that it has ruled my life for too damn long.  I no longer want to live with this memory.  I have learned the lesson and it has changed me deeply, where only trauma can touch.

I am grateful every day for my leg, my great teacher, that we didn’t part and that we have learned over the years to coexist in this human body, albeit difficult at times, but nothing in this life is perfect.  I am peaceful with that.  It’s our imperfections that make us unique.

I’m letting go!!  This is MY independence day!!!

Life is Good

Life is Good

Life and Lunacy~

Copy of DSC04224

Anyone that knows me, knows that I am a highly intuitive empath, and one that has suffered traumas in her life.  I was also born under the sign of cancer, the crab.  Therefore I FEEL, and I feel DEEPLY.  To anyone like me (and I know many) we struggle to find balance in this world gone mad.

This week, month, year, has been exceptionally difficult.  On both the world stage and in our personal lives.  There has been a lot of loss lately, I need not have to tell anyone that doesn’t live unplugged.  Even those that live off the grid can feel the electrifying energy zinging through the air…I’m sure of it.

As a crab, I long to retreat into my shell of safety, hide from the madness.  But even inside the shell, the world echos loudly, I can still smell the stench of sadness, taste the salt tears.  I just long to make it all okay.

I know there are many that share my sentiments.

So let me just say, that if you are in my life, it is not by accident.  I am grateful for each and every one of you.  The memories, the lessons, the experiences.  As difficult as life may be, I’m grateful to know that we have each other.

Peace and Love always…in all ways.

On being grateful~

begrateful

Thanksgiving is upon us, happy turkey day and all the trimmings that go with that greeting, sincerely.  I’ve been under the weather, so not feeling real festive, and now Randy’s feeling puny too.  So we will dream of pumpkin pie and whipped cream, since the sensory of smell and taste have left the building. We will dream of being with our family and extended family, so we don’t share our germs.

Just a reminder (and note to self) that gratitude should be felt daily, first thing when our feet hit the floor…ok, so maybe after that first sip of coffee, which I’m always grateful for!

And please, please be kind!!  Always, in all ways. Doesn’t cost a thing, yet brings peace to the hearts of those around you. Rudeness seems to be plentiful, already, so soon. Holiday stress is real and starts earlier every year. Let’s all just try to put attitude and differences aside, learn a new way. Put a smile on your face and forge ahead.

See you at the next red light.

(and if this makes no sense, i apologize, common sense has slipped out the door with taste and smell, hopefully to return soon)

Happy Thanksgiving All, I am grateful for YOU~