The dark side~

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Oh, the dark side of life! I’m not talking about back alleys and seedy bars. I’m talking about the dark days that sometimes turn to weeks, and sometimes feel as if it will never leave, taking up residence in the crevices of my brain that I wanted to remain empty for some grand creative entity to entertain me and maybe the masses.

This cloud of darkness has followed me around since I was a child. I remember the torment of my emotions. Crying and not knowing why, feeling way too many feelings. Those emotions embarrassed me before I learned feelings just are, leave them be…before I knew of empathy.

All this commotion was compounded by a closed head injury I sustained in an accident in ’76. The residual downward spiral was vicious and brutal. The body heals, not so much the mind. Now, episodes come and go, a not-so-welcome nor appreciated boulder in the room, then almost as quickly, a quiet life again resumes. It’s only then, I can say “whew, I survived until the sun did shine”. It always shines.

So I fluctuate from moments of self-love to the depths of self-loathing. Often brought on by illness, over-stimulation, a rush of adrenaline, too much pain, people’s attitudes. I feel there is no excuse to be rude!  If I feel unsafe or threatened, I will retreat into my shell and withdraw from the world, content to stay, which is not exactly healthy for this lady. I’ve learned to take this time to quiet my mind, rest and nourish my body, and of course, write poetry. Heard once that self-pity is a form of self-comfort. So I comfort me and let the tears flow, if need be.

I only say these things because I’m becoming very aware that I am not alone. The world currently holds a lot of sadness, can’t we harness it and use it to empower us? We can rise above it!  We can, I have to believe.

It’s hard for me to put this out there, exposing this about myself (always fearing judgment), but the mask is coming off. To not only help me, but perhaps to help you too. I say if we express something, it can then take its leave; Identify and Release.

So if you’ve been feeling it too, maybe you should express it, safely; write your words down, write some poetry, paint it out, share your feelings with a friend, express it here. Verbalize! Better than hurting someone or something, including yourself.

I’m embracing all sides of me, and there are many (my poor Randy).

No pity please, no sympathy, no remedies, no ‘try these’. Just let me be and I will return momentarily. (Actually I’m fine now, latest episode is over.)

I’m standing, in truth, to say that we all have suffered some sort of life tragedy, none of us are so special.

So please, PLEASE, just be KIND, doesn’t cost a dime~

(a kind word, a smile, a wave is all it might take to save someone’s life…just the same, a hateful word, a verbal attack, aggressive behavior is all it may take…now can you see why I believe in kindness?)

Taking my message to the streets~

Taking my message to the streets~

3 thoughts on “The dark side~

  1. Life is like a banquet table…we can look at it and choose what to eat from it. Pain or pleasure, ill health or glorious being, wallowing or dancing, letting others opinion of us matter or saying “what they think is none of my business”, allowing or judging, there is something to figure out or there is nothing to figure out. Things have happened to my body…but so far, nothing has happened to my mind. That I know of, LOL. Minor depressions, when they have happened, have been the result of poor choices at the banquet table.

    • Normally, that is not s problem for me, and I’m aware that every moment a choice is made that affects everything. But when in the ravages of a depressive episode, thinking, thinking rationally and making any decisions is nearly impossible. I still have to go get some niacinamide, just haven’t been well enough to get out until yesterday. But I will!! Love and miss you Beverly.

  2. well said. you make a compelling argument for practicing kindness. by taking your message to the streets I am sure you are changing the world in ways you cannot yet comprehend.

    Love Kris

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